hope4recovery

i did something really stupid which i really regret, i wasn't snooping but came across some writing of my partners and curiosity got the better of me and i stupidly read it , he said that he doesn't find me physically attractive and doesn't love me and is confused and also wrote how he misses his ex, he wrote this a few weeks ago when we were constantly arguing, now im distraught i can't confront him with this as i shouldn't of looked and i feel awful for looking. where do i go from here, i love him and i thought things were better, its eating me up inside the fact that he's not attractive to me its taking me everything not to act out on my ED, its a horrible place to be in.

when i look back at my journey it always seems to amaze me how far ive come, i once was a girl who was so uncomfortable in my own skin I would binge and purge everyday, then I found drugs, a new way to keep my weight down with an added bonus of not feeling at all  and being in a place where i felt nothing could hurt me, not having any appetite because the drugs had taking that away

By the time I was 23 i ended up in hospital after trying to end my life as i felt I had no reason to contiune.   i was trapped in a place I didn't know how to get out of. I had lost everything. I was a skeleton of a person, my ED had convinced me that my body could not take any food or fluids.  the drugs had robbed me of any self respect and dignity, I was just wasting away.  i can remember being in that place and thinking how the hell did I get here, what has happened to me. I was in the grip of my ED and addiction,  they both came hand in hand to me.  I didn't want to stop using drugs because they helped me control my weight, they helped me not to feel and most of all they made me feel invisible.  the thought of having to take responsibilty and live with no drugs, having to eat  normally filled me with dread

Someone saw something in me and reached out there hand, they told me I could get better and my journey into recovery from my ED and addiction began.  it hasn't been easy and ive relapsed on both a few times, my weight increased then my head took over telling me I was fat and ugly and I felt out of control and the purging returned but that wasn't enough and after a month the drugs came back.  I can remember saying to myself Ill just use for  a few weeks to get my weight down and ill be ok.

4 years later i was on my knees again and I remember thinking how did it get this bad again, but this time it was worse, i was living with a person I didn't love and he certainly didn't love me, his behaviour showed me that, once again I was a skeleton to scared to eat and to scared to stop using. i can remember walking up to the shops buying lots of food and walking home knowing I would purge as soon as ive eaten, then I would go and score to ease the pain

something in me clicked and I realised my behavoiur was selfish I had a family who loved me and i had been in recovery before and knew that I could do it again.  i left my boyfriend and move to another town to start again

It hasn't been easy, im clean from drugs and have been for several years and I am lucky that I feel far removed from that way of life

living with my ED has been another journey, ive been into therapy and I can see the demons of my past and have confronted them, I have times of abstinance and I have times when my ED is active in my life

what I do is not give up, I know each day brings a new opportunity.  I know who I am now, sometimes I can still get confused and struggle and not feel good enough. Im with a man who loves me, my family forgive me and I know however bad it gets it will pass and I don't have to give up.  looking back putting down the drugs was just the start of my journey I have found coping my ED a lot harder as I don't hide behind the drugs anymore, when I slip into my ED I pick myself back up again and Im gentle on myself

Im in my final year of my nursing degree and to me that is such an achievement, from the girl who could never dream and who never had hope. I now tell myself anything is possible as long as I believe that im worth it x x

after all this time im trying to live in the moment, I have good days and bad ones, I sometimes binge, i sometimes purge, im trying to take each day as it comes and every day I don't act out is an achievement.  i don't know whether im ever gonna be cured from this ED or if its just gonna get easier to manage, im not sure if im ever gonna find peace with myself or if this voice that constantly nags at me about food is gonna ever go away but tonight i haven't managed to act out and for me thats an achievement and if I can do tomorrow what I have done today ill be ok

its been a few weeks since ive been on here, all I seem to do when I come on here is moan about how things are, I  managed to abstain from purging for a few weeks but then the old thinking crept back in, i wish my head would be quiet once in a while.  its started again, the guilt after ive eaten, that little voice saying you've eaten to much you need to get rid, sometimes I wonder if it will ever stop, its seem like I can manage to for a few weeks and everything is great then slowly the voice comes alive again, ive had years of therapy, ive looked at the inner child and back through my child hood, ive identifed triggers and tried to put things in place, I know when it all started and I know i need to challenge that voice, why does it seem so bloody hard, when im doing ok I forget, the vioce isn't there, then from out of nowhere it comes back and stupidly I listen and its seem like ive fallen back into that dark hole again.

feels so lonely, I haven't told my partner what is going on for me, he's aware that Ive had my difficulties but believes that they are all in the past, and why shouldn't he believe that, I haven't particulary been honest, i don't like the sneeaky around, hiding in the bathroom with the tap running so I can purge. sometimes I feel a million miles away from him

its been a while since ive been on here, my weight has gone up by 8 pounds and i haven't binged for a few weeks and part of me thinks im on the road to recovery however im slowly becoming obsessed with losing the pounds that I have put on and found my self yesterday buying a weeks worth of those shake diets, where u replace meals with shakes.  am on the slippery road with this, imnot sure, is this the right thing for me to do, im in two minds, is my eating disorder slipping back in, will this trigger it off again, these questions I need to ask myself

i know that my problems are within, i have inablity to funtion and use my eating disorder to cope.  somehow i have slipped further down not even aware of it untill now.  im taking slimmin pills and justifying it to myself because they are herbal tablets, still abusing laxatives and i wake up every morning still obsessed with food and the way i look, not looking good.

its now effecting my relationship, im so closed off from my partner.  im not able to be open with him and tell him what is going on for me.  the physical side of our relationship is really hard, sometimes i can't stand him to touch me,  i know that when we are initmate with each other i seem to take myself away and disconnect. he suggested that i go into therapy which i automatically took offence to, im confused about what to do for the best.  just hoping that writing it down may help me see clearer in what path to take

food is not the problem i am, food is just a way of me coping with how i am feeling, to scared to allow myself to get to know me, i use food to control the way i feel.  counting calories, taking laxatives is my way of feeling in control of my life.  who am i kidding i have no control im lost in an obsession, food controls me.  every morning when i wake instead of embracing the day i beginning planning my food intake for that day, coming up with new ways on how to control what i eat, spending hours looking up new diets, trying to find new ways of taking control.  all i know is that it is one powerful disease, addiction and maybe now i have openly admitted i have no control i can surrender and begin to recover.

its been years that ive been struggling with this ED, don't get me wrong ive had periods when ive been abstinent from acting out however they have never been for that long.  its hard trying to hide my struggles from love ones, my partner doesn't know the struggle i have each day not to act out on food.  I still function on a day to day basis.  i was thinking bout going to overeaters anonymous, even though my problem is that i don't eat enough or when i do i never tend not to hold it down for that long. has anyone found this fellowship helpful??

its been a while since ive been on this site and not much has changed.  i still wake up with the same thoughts and fears.  I haven't binged for a while now, but im still abusing laxatives.  sometimes the fight in me weakens and i want to fully give in to this ED, but something keeps me fighting, i still have hope that one day i will be at peace with myself. 

 im working and studying alot at the moment and result of this is that im skipping meals not conciously though, time just takes over and before i know it, its the end of the day and ive only eaten lunch.  i keep  telling myself its becasue im busy, im not choosing to not eat.  i am just lying to myself and subconcously my ED is alive and kicking within me

im so obsessed with losing weight, it occupying my head all the time.  im even looking up diet pills, appetite suppressants, anything that i think will  help me lose and control my weight.  i haven't binged or purged for a few days now, im eating normally, whatever that may be!! i can feel my clothes getting tighter on me and to be honest it scares me. 

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• sat in a horrible place
• reflecting brings me hope
• living in the moment
• wish my head would shut up
• confused, am i in denial
• confused and scared is therapy the answer?
• to scared to get to know the real me
• does anyone recover?? is OA an option??
• im still fighting despite myself
• Help, im so obsessed

• General [21]

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