hope4recovery

slowly getting there

hope | November 28, 2007 08:27

i find that when im busy i don't struggle so much.  its when i have time to think that my head does overtime.  im slowly facing my demons and realising im not a weak person, im just frightened person who struggles sometimes.  i had this illness longer than i care to remember.  im in recovery from addiction, i managed to overcome my addiction and put the drugs down.  i know that recovery is possible and am slowly getting my faith back.  i haven't acted out with food for a few days now and slowly the compulsion is being removed, day at a time.

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another day

hope | November 22, 2007 06:29

spent the evening with my fella and was in a terrible space, this illness i know can make me self centred.  i spent all evening pre occupied with how much i had eaten that day and the fact that i purged after my evening meal before he came round.  it feels like there is 3 people in this relationship, him, myself and this illness.  i know he's not stupid and he most probally is aware of what is going on.  how many times can you ask your bloke if your fat and talk about food obsessively before he clicks that there maybe a problem here.  here's another day and hopefully this day will be a purge free day.  sometimes i feel like i want to share with him what is going on, i do love him and i know he loves me and sharing my secret with him may help relieve some of the pain im in. hopefully one day i will have the strengh to do so.

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still struggling

hope | November 20, 2007 08:03

i haven't added an entry for a while, thanku for the comments ive recieved. i find being able to identify with people struggles helps.  i have some peace from this illness and just when i think im getting some freedom its comes right bakk at me.  i feel terrible because my boyfriend doesn't know how bad things are around my food and im to scared to tell him, its like once i share it with it, it then becomes real and i then would have a choice whether to put some action into changing, at the moment denial feels much safer, ive had this illness for so long now in a way im scared to live life without it, hope this makes some kind of sense.

a day has nearly passed without purging, im still obsessed and trying not to let my head to begin of other ways to abuse myself, ive been restraining from using laxatives again, its never ending

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