hope4recovery

reflecting brings me hope

hope | March 30, 2009 12:39

when i look back at my journey it always seems to amaze me how far ive come, i once was a girl who was so uncomfortable in my own skin I would binge and purge everyday, then I found drugs, a new way to keep my weight down with an added bonus of not feeling at all  and being in a place where i felt nothing could hurt me, not having any appetite because the drugs had taking that away

By the time I was 23 i ended up in hospital after trying to end my life as i felt I had no reason to contiune.   i was trapped in a place I didn't know how to get out of. I had lost everything. I was a skeleton of a person, my ED had convinced me that my body could not take any food or fluids.  the drugs had robbed me of any self respect and dignity, I was just wasting away.  i can remember being in that place and thinking how the hell did I get here, what has happened to me. I was in the grip of my ED and addiction,  they both came hand in hand to me.  I didn't want to stop using drugs because they helped me control my weight, they helped me not to feel and most of all they made me feel invisible.  the thought of having to take responsibilty and live with no drugs, having to eat  normally filled me with dread

Someone saw something in me and reached out there hand, they told me I could get better and my journey into recovery from my ED and addiction began.  it hasn't been easy and ive relapsed on both a few times, my weight increased then my head took over telling me I was fat and ugly and I felt out of control and the purging returned but that wasn't enough and after a month the drugs came back.  I can remember saying to myself Ill just use for  a few weeks to get my weight down and ill be ok.

4 years later i was on my knees again and I remember thinking how did it get this bad again, but this time it was worse, i was living with a person I didn't love and he certainly didn't love me, his behaviour showed me that, once again I was a skeleton to scared to eat and to scared to stop using. i can remember walking up to the shops buying lots of food and walking home knowing I would purge as soon as ive eaten, then I would go and score to ease the pain

something in me clicked and I realised my behavoiur was selfish I had a family who loved me and i had been in recovery before and knew that I could do it again.  i left my boyfriend and move to another town to start again

It hasn't been easy, im clean from drugs and have been for several years and I am lucky that I feel far removed from that way of life

living with my ED has been another journey, ive been into therapy and I can see the demons of my past and have confronted them, I have times of abstinance and I have times when my ED is active in my life

what I do is not give up, I know each day brings a new opportunity.  I know who I am now, sometimes I can still get confused and struggle and not feel good enough. Im with a man who loves me, my family forgive me and I know however bad it gets it will pass and I don't have to give up.  looking back putting down the drugs was just the start of my journey I have found coping my ED a lot harder as I don't hide behind the drugs anymore, when I slip into my ED I pick myself back up again and Im gentle on myself

Im in my final year of my nursing degree and to me that is such an achievement, from the girl who could never dream and who never had hope. I now tell myself anything is possible as long as I believe that im worth it x x

General | Next | Previous | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)   Print View

Comments

Add comment
Comments are moderated, so your comment will not appear until approved.
 
Powered by LifeType - Design by BalearWeb - Edited and Hosted by New Technologies.